im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
