my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
