so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
The best revenge is premature balding
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Randomize
