I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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