I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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