you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
You left your phone here
Wait...
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