it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
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