The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
