I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize