Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Randomize
