Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
cat food counts as protein by the way
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
My bed smells like the plague
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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