he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
