Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Randomize
