i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
