Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
