You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I just forgot I was standing up.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Randomize
