I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
