Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
