Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Randomize