i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Randomize
