i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
