Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
