i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Randomize
