Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize