dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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