Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
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