I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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