I hate your face
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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