Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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