I can text with my tongue
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Randomize
