I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
