the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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