I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Contrary to popular belief alot of woman do actually enjoy sucking cock.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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