you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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