I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
