1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I just had sex on a roof
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Randomize