So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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