someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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