all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
