I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
