I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
