how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Panties = found
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
