Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
