Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Randomize
