I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
