Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
There's even glitter on my cock...
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