i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
