We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
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