Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Randomize
