So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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