Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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