when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
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