plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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