Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Randomize
